Timmy’s Takes on Graduation

As graduation season rolls around, so do the inspiring speeches that mark the milestone. While each speech may seem unique, are they really? I swear there’s a secret recipe behind most of them. Let’s break it down:

  1. Get Them Excited: Make the graduates feel like they’re about to achieve something big, not just join the workforce.
  2. Empower Them: Encourage graduates to believe they can make a real difference in the world. (Because they totally can/will!)
  3. Show Them the Possibilities: Open their eyes to the many opportunities that lie ahead. They’re endless!
  4. Remind Them of Their Value: Assure them that the world is eager for their contributions.

Now, imagine a commencement speech that goes beyond the usual clichés. One by yours truly. Here’s a peek at the topics I’d cover:

1. Work sucks, but being poor sucks more. Don’t ever think work should make you happy.  Find happiness in yourself, not what you do.

2.  You owe a lot of people, a lot of stuff.  Shut your mouth and give back to them. Stop looking for the world to just hand you stuff.

3.  No one cares about you. Well, maybe your mom & dad. Everyone else cares about what you can do for them. Basically, you can’t do much, you’re a new grad.

4.  Don’t think you’re going to be special. 99.9% of people are just normal people, so will you. The sooner you come to grips with this, the sooner you’ll be happy. I know it’s morbid, but reality is hard.

5. Work hard. And then harder. Almost always, the person who works the hardest has the best outcome in life.  Once in a while, a person who doesn’t work hard, but has supremely better talent or connections than you, will kick your ass. That’s life. Buy a helmet.

6.  Don’t listen to advice from famous people.  Their view of the world is warped through their grandiose belief somehow they made it through hard work and effort. It’s usually just good timing. Okay, maybe hard work too.

7. Find out who you care about in life, and make them a priority.  In this world, you have very few people you truly care about, and who care about you in return.  Don’t fuck that up.

8.  Make your mistakes when you’re young.  Failure is difficult, it’s profoundly more difficult when you have a mortgage and 2 kids to take care of.

9.  It’s alright that sometimes you have to kiss ass.  Get good at it. It doesn’t make you less of a person.

10.  Wear sunscreen.  Cancer sucks.

What do you think? Are you feeling inspired? High schools or colleges interested in a down-to-earth commencement speech can reach out anytime. My calendar’s open, and I’m ready to deliver a speech that hits home!

5 thoughts on “Timmy’s Takes on Graduation

  1. I would support this advice in a graduation speech. I wish C. Everett Koop would have given us this kind of real life guidance when I graduated in 1987. I would have MAYBE been better prepared for getting my ass kicked and making mistakes!

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