The One Email Every Employee Wants To Send

Please raise your hand if you have ever drafted an email that you desperately wanted to fire off to your entire organization, or leadership, only to delete it – so to not ruin your career? I know most of you have  – because sometimes, in HR, we get to deal with those poor souls who didn’t have the will power to push ‘Delete’ and instead pushed ‘Send’.  In the HR business we call those employees – ‘Former Employees’!  I’ve coined a name for those emails – I like to call them ‘The Lotto Email’!  It’s the email you would feel comfortable sending the moment you return from picking up that overly sized Powerball check you just won.  You now have I-Don’t-Give-A-Sh*t money – and you’re completely unfiltered.

I don’t hold out hope I will ever win the lottery – but I imagine the email might look something like this:

Dear Fellow Employees,

I’m Rich Beeatch! (click here for context)

That being said I’d like to say a few things before not packing up any of this crap in my office and leaving forever.  To make this easier for you to cut and paste and send around later, I’ll bullet point this out into chunks – USA Today style – because I know most of you are slow and lose attention quickly:

– Mr. CEO – I know you think it’s probably adorable how you make comments about every woman in the office’s ass behind closed doors, but it’s not, it’s creepy – just like you.

– Mr. CFO – You’re an accountant – calm down – you’re not that important – just tell how much money we have and go back to being boring.

– Mrs. HR – Nobody likes you – this is just confirmation. BTW – everyone lies on your engagement surveys because all the managers use them as weapons, so it’s easier to lie and make you feel like what you do actually matters – it doesn’t.

– Mrs. COO – The CEO constantly talks about your ass. Hope that makes your meetings going forward more comfortable.

– Mary – I’ve always wanted to tell you that you are drop dead gorgeous, but your low self-esteem keeps you married to a complete asshole! I’m better than that – I won’t be that asshole. Here’s your chance – walk out of here with me Jerry Maguire style and let’s do this – otherwise I’m probably 5 drinks and 2 hours away from making some real bad decisions at a strip club.

– Ted – You’re a douche bag – everyone hates you.

There’s a bunch of other stuff I could to say – but really the only thing I really want to say is: I’m Rich Beeatch!

See you in the parking lot, Mary.

Former Employee

Obviously this wouldn’t be ‘my’ letter because I’m the President of my company!  My letter would be a lot of thanking everyone for everything and I’ll see you around, if you’re ever in the South of France on a large yacht – plus a bunch of positive stuff and how valuable each and every employee was to me personally. Follow by – “I’m Rich Beeatch!”


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