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Officially Announcing My Candidacy for the 2020 Presidential Election #ACatInEveryPot

Nov 30

Apparently, we will now campaign for four years to become the President of the United States for four years. Makes sense. I like the Canadian system of campaigning way better than what we have here! 90 days or less and we’re done! Doesn’t that sound like a smart law?

Until then, I’ll have to live with what we have. So, since I’m a U.S. born citizen, over the age of 35, and I would prefer to run under a third party as neither the Republicans or Democrats come close to meeting my needs, I’m officially running under the HR Party!

If I know anything, I know HR loves a good party!

Here is my platform, as of right now, but there’s a good chance I will change often depending at which conference I’m at and what part of the country I’m in at the time:

  • The only way you can now vote for any office is to first fill out a change of address form, completely (even if you haven’t recently changed your address), in black or navy blue ink, and you also must have completed your annual open enrollment.
  • Wine and Chocolate will no longer be taxed, and companies selling these products in the United States must sell them at cost. That should get me at least 51% of the popular vote!
  • By law, you will now not be allowed to talk to anyone before 9am on Monday mornings at your workplace.
  • If you miss an interview due to “car trouble” you will be publicly hanged. This is the single most overused excuse for missing an interview, get more creative or die.
  • If you are a no-call, no-show for an interview, or your first day of work, you will be deported to Siberia or Fargo (they’re basically the same).
  • Grammatical errors on resumes will now cost you a hand. You can pick which hand. I actually think this is dumb, but I need to pander to my electorate.
  • By law, you will no longer be able to call in sick for work on Mondays or Fridays. Because we know you’re lying.
  • Organizations caught paying less to women, for the same position, same skills, will be forced to fire every man that works for them.
  • All colleges will now cost the exact same amount. $10,000 per year for full tuition and books. Living expenses depends on where you can get in – i.e., it costs more to go to college in New York then Omaha. Private or Public. You still have to get accepted based on their admission policies.
  • Cats and dogs will now be allowed in all workplaces where there is not a health concern. No, you can’t bring your pot belly pig, or your snake, or your fish. Cats and dogs, we’re in America.
  • You will not be able to manage other people until you have worked for a minimum of five years in real jobs. No, going to school that mommy paid for and working four hours per week in the library doesn’t count as work.
  • We will now have CEO pay be directly paid in proportion to that of the average worker salary of the companies they lead. That proportion will be 25 times the salary of your employees. If your average salary is $45,000 for employees, the CEO can make $1,125,000. Don’t worry the 95% of white guys in those roles will be just fine. The extra corporate profit will be paid to the shareholders and employees in equal amounts.

I think that’s enough to get started. The HR Party will be huge! What do you think HR Pros? What platform items would you add?

 

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