Category Archives: Brilliant Mind

Live From #SHRM15 – Everyone Wants Priority Status

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Next week I’ll be speaking at SHRM’s Annual National Conference in Las Vegas with my good friend Kris Dunn.  Come check us out!  Our session is titled: We’re Bringing Techy Back!  It’s on Monday, June 29th at 2pm in rooms N228-N230.

In this session we’ll discuss everything you need to know, as an HR and Talent pro, about selecting your next HR technology, what HR tech companies are saying, and what it really means. We’ll also give you some great tips on negotiating the price! Our hope is to take the fear and confusion of HR Tech and make it simple and clear.  We’ll also have some fun and probably be a bit snarky about the HR Tech industry!

Also, check me out on Periscope (TimSackett) as I’ll be attempting to do some live video feeds from the Expo floor and maybe, just maybe, live from our session at SHRM.  It’s super easy, just download the app to your phone and you can watch whatever it is I’m videoing, live, in real-time. You can also ask questions and make comments.

As I get ready to take off to Vegas I started thinking about checking in to my flight and hoping I’ll get a good status so I can find some space in the overheads and not have to wait at baggage claim.  I hate the concept of priority status, because I hate the way it ‘classes’ individuals.  I get it. Delta wants to take care of those passengers who are most loyal. I actually like that part.  After that, it all becomes a little hairy!

First comes the needs of those who need extra time and help boarding. Usually, elderly, injured and families with babies and strollers.  I’m fine with this, but the family thing has gotten out of control. I mean, look, your kid can walk by themselves, you don’t need extra time! You’re just gaming the system.  If I was smart I would befriend a really old person and offer to carry their bag!

First Class is next. Okay, they pay the most, I can buy into that.  I’m a capitalist. I can fit my brain around that.

Next, comes those skymile frequent flyer types.  Again, I’m all for loyalty programs, and would argue these folks should probably get on before first class, but they are both getting on early, so all have no real issues.

This is where all hell breaks lose.  Seating Status 1, or 2, or 3, etc.

There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason behind the rest of us get on the plane!  They claim that ‘zone’ seating is done back to front, but if you’ve flown anytime recently you know that isn’t true.  You can buy into zone 1 if you want to pay a little extra to jump on early, but not as early as about 50% of the plane listed in the above classes.

Basically, Delta has created this entire system where people just all push towards the gate and wait for their zone, but try and get in early on their zone. It’s chaos!  And their is no reason for it.

Can you imagine if you did this with your employees or candidates?  It’s dysfunctional at best, and creates ‘fans’ who end up hating you at worst.

I fly about 12-15 times per year, not anywhere close to the real frequent travelers I know.  But each time I question the boarding process and what a bad process it is, on all airlines, not just Delta.

What’s a better way?  I like the pure capitalist play of seating by ticket price! Those who paid the most, get on first, all the way down to those who paid the least or got ‘free’ travel with miles. I’m even willing to have this take longer. It might not be ‘better’, but at least I can justify why I’m getting on last!

See you in Vegas.  Make sure you hit me up on Twitter (@TimSackett). I would love to meet you in real life while I’m at SHRM, unless you’re creepy, then please hit up Kris Dunn (@Kris_Dunn)!

The #1 Way to Communicate Success of a HR Change!

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Adobe recently changed their annual performance review process of the traditional once-per-year review to a more modern design of having frequent feedback throughout the year:

So, based in part on ideas crowdsourced from employees, Morris and her team scrapped annual evaluations and replaced them with a system called Check In. At the start of each fiscal year, employees and managers set specific goals. Then, at least every eight weeks but usually much more often, people “check in” with their bosses for a real-time discussion of how things are going. At an annual “rewards check-in,” managers give out raises and bonuses according to how well each employee has met or exceeded his or her targets. “Managers are empowered to make those decisions,” says Morris. “There is no ‘matrix.’ HR isn’t involved.”

A big change for any organization, for sure, but that’s not what this post is really about.  You see, Donna Morris, Adobe’s Sr. Global VP of People and Places could have easily just said it’s been a great success and shared stories from employees and hiring managers about how much they loved it. She could have shared retention metrics and employee engagement scores to show its success, but she didn’t. What shared did was absolutely brilliant! She shared this:

Getting feedback in real time, so everyone stays on track and is pulling in the same direction, has helped make Adobe’s 13,000 employees far more productive, Morris says. Adobe’s stock price has increased from about $30 to over $80 since Check In began.

Drops mic, walks off stage.

You want to really communicate the success of HR change, tie it to direct financial outcomes!  Yes, it’s a major leap to say “Check In” created $50 per share of shareholder value.  Let me say that again, MAJOR LEAP!  In fact, I don’t even think you could scientifically correlate this one HR change to the raise in shareholder value, but she did!  What she did would be similar to saying global temperatures have risen 3 degrees on average since they started making Krispy Kreme donuts, so Krispy Kreme is responsible for global warming!

You see, success of a major program has little to do with fact, and ton to do with perception.  Here is a senior HR executive who gets it.   She wants to do other cool and innovative stuff at Adobe, and now she has her big-win to go back to when someone pushes back that it won’t work, or it’s not needed.   In the minds of Adobe employees, this program has increased shareholder value, and we need to listen to her other ideas!

Take note HR Pros!  If you get this opportunity, you take it 100% of the time! Because you won’t get it often.  How do you communicate your success of a HR program?  Wait until you have favorable financial data in your organization, then connect the dots for people!

The “New” Skilled Trades

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Google started it.  Don’t they start everything. You can thank Lazlo for all of this when he came out and said Google no longer requires a college degree to get hired into many of their technical roles. Now, we are beginning to see specialized training schools popping up to begin to ‘train’ the next gen workforce in what will be soon considered the new skilled trades of the future.  From CNBC:

Students at the New York City-based school pay $15,000 for four months of coding instruction. They leave with the ability to develop software, and according to Flatiron School, 99 percent of students get a job with an average starting salary of $70,000 a year.

Flatiron founders Adam Enbar and Avi Flombaum said they believe coding will be a form of literacy in the future.

“Just like you need to learn how to read and write, even if you’re not going to be a journalist, you need to learn how to code and wield technology if you’re going to be successful in the world,” said Enbar…

Some of Flatiron’s students share Enbar’s frustration with higher education. Jen Eisenberg was studying computer science as an undergraduate at Michigan State University, but stopped after her first semester when her father asked if she could build him a website.

“I realized I couldn’t build anything tangible … it’s more theory and algorithms,” Eisenberg said.

After completing Flatiron’s program, Eisenberg is a software engineer at Paperless Post, an online stationery shop. She helps write the instruction, or code, that makes the website function.

For years I’ve been telling high school students are getting ready to graduate that public education has given them two paths in their life:

1. College

2. Prison

That’s it!  Years ago we did away with skilled trades curriculum in public schools. The programs where kids learned how to weld, fix cars, pull wire, sweat pipe, build things, etc. Now, you go to high school to do well on a test and hopefully that test will get you into college. If it doesn’t?  Good luck, you’re basically on your own, which for most eighteen year olds usually ends up in prison.

So, I’m actually excited about these ‘new’ skilled trades!  Learning how to code, test, program, design and build web apps, etc.  Our reality is we have kids who don’t want to go to college. Traditional school environments are not their cup of tea!  They can’t wait to get out of high school, and the last thing they want is to go back to a similar setting in college.

America is in desperate need of vocational programs that start when kids are around seventeen.  Companies are begging for help in the traditional skilled trades, as well.  On both ends of technology, those who turn a wrench and those who click a mouse, need more trained individuals in the workforce, and at both of those ends, a full four year college program isn’t the answer.

Does this mean no one needs to go to college any longer? No.  We still need all kinds of college grads.  But, we can’t forget about all the others, and we have, for more than a decade.  Skilled trades, traditional and new, are the lifeblood of innovation.  You can design the greatest thing ever, but eventually, someone has to build it.  Someone has to get their hands dirty.  Someone has to put in the hours to make it a reality.

Sounds like a job for someone with a skilled trade.

The First Question HR Needs To Ask

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I love going out and speaking and meeting with HR and Talent pros across the world (I can say ‘world’ now because I’ve spoken in Canada and the Cayman Islands, which technically makes me an international speaker!).  It’s a privilege to be certain.  I also really like when I get pimped constantly for free advice. It’s part of the gig.

If you go around telling people you know something about something, guess what? They’re going to ask you to tell them about something, specifically as it relates to their circumstance.  So, I get asked my advice quite a bit about talent and HR issues people are facing.

There is a bucket of questions I get asked that fall into the same type of category.  These questions all have to do with how do we ‘fix’ something that isn’t working well in their HR and/or Talent shops.  How do we get more applicants? How do we get managers to develop their people? How do we fix our crazy CEO? Etc.

I used to go right into how I would solve that problem if I was in their shoes.  Five minute solutions! I don’t know anything about you, or your situation, but let me drop five minutes of genius on you for asking! It’s consulting at its worst! But it’s fun and engaging for someone who came to see me talk about hugging for an hour.

I’ve began to change my approach, though, because I knew, like they knew, they weren’t going back to their shops and doing what I said.  The problem with my five minutes of genius, was it was ‘my’ five minutes, not theirs.  It was something I could do, but probably not something they could do.

Now, I ask this one question: Do you really want to get better?

Right away people will quickly say, “Yes!”  Then, there is a pause, and explanation, and sometimes from this we get to a place where they aren’t really sure they really want to get better.  That’s powerful. We all believe that ‘getting better’ is the only answer, but it’s not.  Sometimes, the ROI isn’t enough to want to get better. Staying the same is actually alright.

We believe we have to fix something and we focus on it, when in reality if it stays the same we’ll be just fine.  We’ll go on living and doing great HR work.  It just seemed like the next thing to fix, but maybe it actually is fine for now, and let’s focus on something else.

Many times HR and Talent pros will find that those around them really don’t want to get better, thus they were about to launch into a failing proposition, and a rather huge frustrating experience. Better to probably wait, until everyone really wants to get better.

So, before you go out to fix the world, your world, ask yourself one very important question: Do you, they, we really want to get better?  I hope you can get a ‘yes’ answer! But if not, the world will still go on, and so will you.

Overly Loving Father, Rob Lowe #WorkHuman

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By now you’ve seen all the DirectTV ads featuring the funny characters of Rob Lowe. My favorite is super creepy Rob Lowe! I’m at Globoforce’s WorkHuman event this week and got to see Rob Lowe keynote this event.

When my friend, Laurie Ruettimann, told me Rob was keynoting she was really excited, and I was like, okay.  I’m a dude, I don’t really get the fascination. I mean I’ve liked some of his movies and TV shows, but not overly so (one of my favs is Youngblood, because as a teen I was in love with Cynthia Gibb – don’t judge me it was the 80’s!).  So, I was interested in seeing Rob speak, but it wasn’t one of bucket-list must sees!

Before I got to WorkHuman, though, I purchased Rob’s latest book. It was an impulse buy. I was going on vacation, needed something to read on the beach and just had heard he was going to be speaking at this event.  Rob also had a great story to share about his oldest son going off to college, just as my oldest son is graduating and going off to college.  Slate did a great piece on it, you can read here.

It felt like his story was my story. The great thing about Rob is he’s a great storyteller and I like storytellers!

To me Rob Lowe gets the concept of work-life balance better than most.  Here’s a guy who because of a famous celebrity career couldn’t have normal work-life balance like we think of it for most of us.  But that’s what I really like, there isn’t any normal work-life balance. Working 9-5, Monday through Friday is a myth.  It’s not the way the majority of the world works anymore.

It’s a concept from the 1950s and 40s that just is no longer relevant.

Rob taught us, through his own experience, that you can find balance, but it has to be a balance that you define.  Rightly so, it’s all that really matters, but we struggle with this as leaders and HR pros. We want to define work-life balance in one context, and make all of our employees fit into this little paragraph. It’s just not reality.

You work the way you need to work to live the lifestyle you decide to you want to live, then you live your life around that the best you can.  It’s not always going to be perfect. Again, that’s life. I would rather show my sons that life isn’t perfect, that sometimes work is great, sometimes work sucks, but so is your personal life!  The balance comes from knowing when it’s time to work and when it’s time to focus on other parts of your life. Do too much of either, and you’re out of balance.

I know a bunch of people who don’t get this from the personal aspect.  They want their balance to be all about their personal life, and not about work. Which is fine, but you then have to understand you then need to lead the personal life that not focusing on work affords you.

I’m glad I got to see Rob speak at WorkHuman. I’m now more of a fan, because despite his celebrity he seems like a guy who gets it.

 

Sackett’s Guide to SHRM 2015 #shrm15

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It’s that time of year when HR freaks from all over the world begin planning out their annual pilgrimage to the SHRM National Conference. The 2015 SHRM conference is being held in Las Vegas, which always makes it a popular destination to attend. SHRM is expecting over 15,000 HR and Talent Pros to be in attendance, and I will be one of them!

I’ve had the pleasure of attending the last seven SHRM National Conferences and have been lucky enough to speak at the last three and this year will make it four in a row, as my good friend, and FOT founder, Kris Dunn and I will be taking the stage on Monday June 29th at 2pm to talk HR technology in our presentation titled “We’re Bringing Techy Back!” (now try and get the song out of your head!).  Kris and I will be sharing what HR and Talent tech we use and what we would use given different size organizations and budgets. Come check it out! KD and I always have fun when speaking together and we’ll be in rare form for SHRM National!

Please connect with me if you’re going to SHRM National, I love meeting new and old friends at SHRM. I spend most of my time doing this. A thirty minute conversation with a great HR pro and a Diet Mt. Dew is usually better than any session I could attend!  Being able to build a great HR network of brilliant people is the real value of attending a SHRM conference.

I do SHRM a little different than most.  I search out great speakers, not topics.  I’ve gone to too many sessions where I wanted to kill myself from boredom.  So, I’ve learned to find great speakers because they’ll always teach me something new and keep me entertained!  Here are some other sessions I recommend and will be checking out myself (in order of presentation time):

#1 – Sackett & Dunn – We’re Bringing Techy Back! Monday June 29th at 2pm

#2 – Mary Faulkner – The Leader’s Legacy: Managing Your Impact on Your Company’s Culture.  Monday June 29th at 4pm. Mary is a true HR practitioner and Head of Talent at Denver Water. She’s an HR pro who truly gets it!

#3 – Steve Browne – Culture that Rocks! Tuesday June 30th at 7am.  If there is a reason to get up at 7am in Vegas, it’s to see Steve. Great HR pro and Head of HR for LaRosa’s Pizza. His energy is off the charts and I guarantee he’ll get you going for the day!

#4 – Steve Boese and Trish McFarlane – After the Contracts are Signed: Keys to Successful HR Technology Implementation.  Tuesday June 30th at 7 am. Friends of FOT and two great speakers, Steve and Trish deliver every time.

#5 – Joe Gerstandt – The Future of Diversity and Inclusion. Tuesday June 30th at 10:45am.  Flat out Joe is one of the best speakers at SHRM year in and year out. Polished, insightful and funny. He gets modern day Diversity and Inclusion better than anyone.

#6 – Matt Ferguson – What CEOs Think About 2015’s Top Workforce Issues. Tuesday June 30th at 2:15pm. Matt is the CEO for CareerBuilder and they have some great data, plus I like hearing what CEOs think from a CEO!

#7 – Jennifer McClure – 7 Strategies to Transform from HR Leader to Business Leader. Tuesday June 30th at 4pm. Jennifer is the HR lady whisperer! Extremely popular SHRM speaker, she fills the room, so get there early! Also, Jen is a FOT alumnus.

#8 – Inga Masjule – How to Build World Class HR Around the World. Wednesday July 1st at 11:30am. I met Inga while speaking in the Cayman Islands, she is an HR pro there, currently, but has run HR teams all over the world. Smart lady, who can really give you a flavor of what it’s like to work in HR all over the world.

I’m sure there are other wonderful speakers as well. These are just ones I know will be awesome!  I’ll spend a bunch of time on the Expo floor as well. It’s a great place to demo a ton of different technologies that are being offered in HR and Talent Acquisition, in a low sales environment. Take advantage and see what’s out there.  You’ll be amazed at how inexpensive some of the technology is becoming!

Hit me in the comments if there is a session you feel is a can’t miss!  Also, if you want to meet in person send me a message and I’ll do everything I can to make that happen!  See you in Vegas!

My Big Fat Recruiting Dilemma!

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Have you had an employee who had to stop working because they became too fat? Just wait, you will, it’s just a matter of time.

I remember when my biggest nightmare as an HR pro was going to tell an employee they need to bath and wear deordorant. I can’t even imagine having to go tell an employee, “Hey Bro, you have to go home, you’re too fat.”

The U.S. Army recently came out and shared some statistics about how the U.S. obesity epidemic is hurting their recruitment efforts:

“Just under three in 10 young people [ages] 17 to 24 can join the Army today – and the other armed services for that matter – and the single biggest disqualifier is obesity,” Major General Allen Batschelet of the U.S. Army Recruiting Command told CNN. “Ten percent of them are obese and unfit to the point that they can’t join the service. It’s really very worrisome.”

“The obesity issue is one of the most troubling because the trend is going in the wrong direction,” says Batschelet. “Ten percent are disqualified today, and we think by 2020, it could be as high as 50 percent, which would mean only two in ten would qualify to join the Army.”

Our national security is at risk because our citizens can’t put down a Big Mac. Our enemies don’t need to attack us with bombs and troops; they just need to keep sending us cheap junk food to consume!  Then one day they just come ashore and roll us over to the POW camps.  I sure hope they serve good food at the camps…

Big fat Americans just aren’t a national security issue; this is a major issue facing all employers.  The reality is, no one wants to hire unhealthy people. If given a choice between people with similar skills and abilities, one in shape and one obese, employers will always hire the person who is in shape.

You want to see hiring discrimination at its finest?  Put a minority in good shape, a woman in good shape and an obese candidate, all with similar skills, in front of a hiring manager and have them rank them on most likely to hire.

The obese person will always rank last. Why?  Your hiring managers fear hiring someone who might die on their watch, more than hiring a minority or woman.  Was that too real for you? Check your analytics, you know where your problems are.

How do we fix this?

Companies have failed at wellness across the board.  I think it’s just a matter of time until you begin seeing organizations tie performance and compensation into their wellness plans.  It seems extreme, but so is this problem.  When a company reaches the point where they’ll tie your job performance to your health ‘performance’, that’s when you have an organization that truly cares about you.

The Public Education Summer Vacation Scam

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In about 2 weeks my 3 sons will be off of school for the summer.  That means my wife will lose her mind for the next 12 weeks as she has 3 smelly bodies running in and out of the house all day, lying around and doing what boys do. Which at this point I think entails: eating, leaving their stuff lying around, eating, watching TV/Playing Ebox, eating, texting, eating, sleeping, eating, repeat.

I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I don’t understand the American public education system any longer.  When I was a kid (old white guy rant begin now), I loved it! Three months off of school during the only time in Michigan that is nice! What a great plan!  As a parent/adult, I ceased believing this is a wise plan.

Will someone please explain to me why in 2015 we need to have kids off of school for 12 straight weeks?

Here are the answers I get:

– We need the kids to work the crops! (Not since 1930 was this a real reason!)

– We need the kids to work at the resorts for the tourism industry! (No, you don’t – you need the kids off school so parents will take their kids on vacation and spend money at your resorts)

– Kids need a break to let their brains reboot! (I won’t even justify this with a response.)

Here are the real answers:

– The Teachers Unions won’t negotiate a full year schedule because teachers love having the summers off.

– Some parents are stuck in this 1950’s notion that their kids need 12 weeks off in a row because they got it, so should their kids. (Do you see the pattern of entitlement beginning to take place…)

– Politicians don’t have the guts to do the right thing, so they stick with what is currently in place, even though it was developed over 80 years ago when their was an actual need to have kids off during the summer months.  (This reason could be used for most of what ails America.)

So, here’s what I know: Having kids home for 12 straight weeks sucks for families.  Childcare is a nightmare – many kids forced to stay home by themselves or under watched, plus the additional cost is bad for families.  Kids unlearn way too much during this time off, forcing reeducation at the beginning of each year – which wastes time and resources.

What can ‘we’ do it about since politicians refuse to do anything about it?  I think companies can solve this.  There are some issues companies have with America’s education system right now.  Companies feel kids are not prepared for the workforce, don’t have work ethic, aren’t being taught work-related skills, etc.  Instead of waiting around for the world to change, I think American Corporations can change the world ourselves.

Here are 3 things companies can do to help out Moms and help out themselves:

  1. Job Corp.  Yep, good old fashion put kids (14 yrs old and above) to work learning and training on skills companies will need in the future.  No, I’m not talking about child labor – I’m talking about starting kids out in an environment where they go to work with their parents and learn how actually to work.  Want to see some real change in America?!  Imagine having to take your 15 year old with you to work each day for 12 weeks!  Take your child to work – Everyday!  That’s Big Change!
  2. Community volunteer programs. Companies rotate paid sabbaticals for the 12 weeks where the company workers lead teams of kids on community based projects.  Help elderly fix up their homes, clean up parks and waterways, beautify our cities, clean up vacant lots, etc.  Can you imagine the change that would happen if for 30-40 hours per week, for 12 weeks all of the kids eight years and up in America were working across the country volunteering?!  That is an unimaginable change that would be so cool!
  3. Change Public Education.  Corporations need to voice strongly their displeasure with the current public school scheduling and demand a change.  Full year schedules. Longer days.  Kids will still get time off – just spread those weeks around the year where it makes better sense to learning.  This can be done.  We just have to let politicians know this by not funding their campaigns if they won’t support this change.

What would you do to help out families facing the annual summer break?

The Number One Reason Hires Fail

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“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

Albert Einstein

Its about that time when the HR conference season gets into full swing, so I’m beginning to prepare myself for the hundreds of conversations I’ll have with great HR Pros all over the world.  One thing that I will hear over and over, and more than anything else is: “HR just doesn’t get…”  To be honest,  I think HR gets a whole bunch, but I think many of us lack the courage it takes, at the right time, to show how much we actually get.  So we sit there with our mouths closed, and others then have this perception we don’t get it.  But we do. We just weren’t able, or ready, to put our necks on the line, at that moment.

I do agree, though, that there are still certain things we struggle with in HR.  For me, the above quote from Albert, sums up what we still struggle to appreciate in HR. We hire people for one set of skills then upon arrival, or at another point in their tenure, expect them to perform a different set of skills.  This behavior happens everyday in our organizations. It’s a classic reason at why most people fail in your organization.

I bet if you went back and measured your last 100 terminations in your organizations, 60% of your terms would fall into this category:  person wasn’t performing, but the job they were asked to do was different from what they were hired to do originally.

So, what is it that we still don’t get in HR?

We don’t get the fact that we hire for a certain set of skills and the job changes, so we now need a new set of skills.  Training and Development are still living in this dream that they can drastically change adult learners by having a 4 hour training session and having each participant sign a sheet saying they received the training. Then, we all sit around a conference table analyzing our turnover and wondering what happened, and why all these people magically turned into bad performers.  It’s not them, it’s us!

So, what can we do about it?

The first step is realizing HR, and the organization, are part of the problem.  You can’t hire a bunch of fish because you need great swimming skills, then change the skill need to climbing and expect your fish to turn into monkeys.  It has never worked, and it will never work, even if you change your department’s title from Training to Organizational Development.

So, do you just fire everyone and start over?

Maybe, if the skill needed to change is that drastically different. More realistically, we need to have better expectations on the amount of time and effort it is going to take to get people back to “average” performance, not “great” performance.

Setting realistic expectations with your operations partners will give you a better insight to what route your organization is willing to suffer through.  Either way, there will be some suffering, so plan on it and prepare for it. Then go buy a bunch of bananas, because if want those fish learn how to climb, they’re going to need a lot of incentives!

The Open Office Terrorists

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So, how’s that new open office plan treating you!?

A recent study out says that it takes a normal person roughly 37 seconds to figure out working in an open office environment is going to suck! I mean, those were probably the slow people in the study, it doesn’t take a mental genius to see that going from an office where you could actually get stuff done to a bunch of people looking at each other, probably isn’t the best concept for productivity!

Okay, so that wasn’t a ‘real’ study. It was me and the voices in my head discussing the open office concept, and we all agree. Call it what you will, I’ll call it a quorum.

An actual study done GetVoip was spammed to me last week titled: The Detrimental Pitfalls of Open-Plan Offices which had the following findings:

– 95% of employees said working privately is important to them

– 89% of employees are more productive when working alone

– 63% of employees name “loud” coworkers as their #1 distraction.

“But, Tim! Open offices look so cool, and they prosper collaboration and communication and ping pong.”

Great…

But how many of you actually need more collaboration and communication?  I mean really?  Let’s be honest.

If Billy comes over to talk about The Voice one more time I’m going to gut him right here in my 8 ft by 8 ft low wall cubicle space I spend most of my time in. I’ll then use Billy’s skin to make a roof over my cubicle and finally have a little piece and quiet to actually get something done.  It’s not that I don’t like Billy. He’s was super the first three thousand times he came into talk me.  Now I want to see him die. Slowly. Painfully.

Open office space sucks because you have coworkers that are terrorists of the open office.  They come in all shapes and sizes, and they disguise themselves as actual coworkers. Here are a few examples:

1. The CrossFit Terrorist: Mandy does CrossFit. You should do CrossFit. And, apparently, the next best thing to doing CrossFit is talking about CrossFit to people who don’t give a shit about CrossFit.

2. The Vegan Terrorist: Mark is Vegan. You should be Vegan. And, apparently, the next best thing to being Vegan, is talking about begin Vegan to people who are trying to enjoy a nice fried donut and a RedBull for breakfast.

3. The Why Guy: The Why Guy can also be a Gal. They want to know why! Why are we doing this? Why are you doing what you’re doing? Why is the boss nice today? Why is the sky blue? Why are you holding a knife to your wrist?

4. The Schemer: Molly is a schemer. Molly wants you to scheme with her.  Molly doesn’t like how Missy wears hair hair and wants to get her fired. Plus Missy’s teeth are too white. Molly spends 77% of her day scheming of ways to get Missy fired, and needs to tell you all about it.

You see?  Open office plans are the devil in disguise.  If you had an actual office with a door, you could shut it. Lock it. Put up a sign that says, “I hate you! Go Away!”, but that would just look silly hanging from your chair at that table in the middle of the room you share with a bunch of terrorists!